Jou Valentine's Art in Literature

I toss my bag aside without stopping my pace, not caring where it lands. The journey to here was windy, but I never felt the wind, never felt the breeze of excitement. I never do, for it was never freedom for me. I started my journey beside the calm sea, when the trees gave me no shelter and the view of that one and only tree where everything about us began gives no solace. The ominous trees and paths that are our ‘battleground’ looked as if painted by blood under the setting sun; I could no longer bear to look at them.

Instead I’ve came here, to this fateful twist in a narrow winding road that will haunt me forever through my whole life. I’ve came here to stare out into the dark churning waters. I’ve not come to this place to swear on vengeance, nor am I here to blame anyone for my own fault. No, this time this moment, I am here to struggle with memories and bask in the solitude of darkness.

It has been a long road, coming to this very moment. A rough one, and even at this very moment, it still surprises me that I still has the strength in me struggling to kept on fighting, still have the soul in me to continue on this empty and meaningless life of mine.

How long has it been, since Her heart’s disappearance from my life, I couldn’t remember, it’s as if I don’t want to remember anything. Yet my heart refuses to tell me why I could still see Her face every time I close my eyes, why I could still hear Her pained scream in my mind, could still feel the lingering touch of Her lips on mine, yet with the taste of blood on my tongue, back then.

I have neither patience nor inclination for the games. I fight for real, to find the answers to my questions and most importantly, the reason of Hers. Her final words to me said as much, but there are other things, other questions that left a sick feeling in my gut and a bitter taste in my mouth.

But about my life aren’t what is bothering me. If there’s one thing besides how to hate those days where I’ve learnt to not care about anyone. ‘In the end you lost everyone. In the end, you’ll always be alone. Never trust anyone, for everyone has their own agenda and will betray and abandon you eventually. If those let you down, it’ll only be your own damn fucking fault.’

If I ever lost in my own battle, there will be no one related to it, and everything would be just fine. Life’s a battleground, and it would be just my own life on the line, as always.

But I couldn’t say the same, nor could I ever think that way again, now could I? No, not ever since Her, and Your appearance in my life. So how did You and Her became so important to me? I couldn’t remember it well.

Her, that very first person who broke through this ice wall I’ve built, stole my heart with Her love, yet as fate, that I once never believe in, cruelly sets the play being She tore my heart, throws it back to me and left me bleeding in the end. So how did She do it? I never really found the answers, but perhaps it was the loneliness that’s been burning me through my life, or maybe it was the solitude I yearned for, yet despised so venomously, that let Her kindness and warmth to destroy this wall that I so desperately built, so damn easily.

Now that I think of it, where did all my trust went to, back then? It just seemed like they never existed, this world and this so called reality, has always been a living lie to me, with everyone wearing intention filled masquerade. Yet the moment She appeared in my life, for me, the person who has been living through lies that made me never trust anyone, feels like everything that I’ve built came crushing down, yet at the same time freed me from the ever burning loneliness, like hell yet like heaven at the same time, I don’t know.

And like every happy beginning, with naivety I wished for love that will last forever, forever that only existed in fairytales, forever that doesn’t even exist in this reality. And as fate toys with my fear, no happy ending ever came to me, leaving me bleeding and broken. Just like that, I’m thrown into darkness that hurts me more than ever, leaving a wound that I couldn’t stop the bleeding.

Back then, life became so meaningless to me, to the point that I was foolish and selfish enough to think of suicide, and as if threaten by my desire for death, She forced Herself to be with me, to kept me away from death. And although I desired for Her more than anything, I couldn’t bear the thoughts of hurting her, which ended up me being alone all over again. But really, what’s the point of being together, when Her heart isn’t with me anymore?

I took my time, to pursue with ignorance towards the pain, at the same time to try and heal that bleeding wound. Although I know all my efforts are in vain, I never understand what drove to me to keep on trying, and perhaps it was my ignorance towards Her pain that led me on even further. But as time passes, I understood that She didn’t mean to hurt me, and through the whole time I walked deeper into the world of darkness, She never once left me behind, even though I’ve hurt Her more and longer than perhaps anyone else ever, She never once abandon me. As time goes on, I moved on as well, but not without wounds that will leave scars I’ll remember for a very long time.

Through all these time, I tried to rebuild the walls that She broke, to protect myself from the pain that I fear so much. Although I tried so desperately, so hard to build a stronger wall around my wounded heart, my attempts are futile, as somehow unconsciously I let my guard down, and You found Your way in, but ever so gently, stole my heart once again, and patiently healed the wound with each passing moments. Although many times I’ve drowned myself in the memories of the past, hurting You at the same time, You never once abandon me, but instead encouraged me to overcome my fear, accept my past, and to grow stronger.

During my time with You, I’ve learnt to love once again, by putting aside the fear and pain of old memories, I fought to be braver and stronger to the point I could support Her to be with Him. Although all my attempts of encouraging them to be together were futile, I never once regretted, for I understood that I could finally let go of Her, and still an important person to me, Her happiness is all I could ever wish for.

Although I tried to let go of the painful but sinful past, they always found their way back to me one way another. As Him and Her that I still trust, throws me to the feeling of being betrayed by someone I trust so much. Perhaps it was because of my ignorance attempts of pursuing Her back then, that led me to that day, that feeling, still I couldn’t help and feel betrayed, hurting me more than ever. And if it weren’t for You, I would have been lost in the maze of anger and pain, and perhaps I would never be able to learn to forgive them.

There are still times that I reminisce of how You led me out from those memories of my painful yet sinful past, it made me think that perhaps I would be still drowning in fear and pain to this very day, if it weren't for You. But even though I’ve accepted and let go of the past, my fear never dissipated completely, for within my heart, I still fear that there’s a day that You’d leave me, and I’ll once again being consumed by the burning loneliness and solitude that I despised so venomously. Selfishly as any other human beings, I want You, I need You, by my side, and like a fool I am, continue hoping that You’ll be by my side for the longest of times.

Feel free to leave a comment,but please don't be too harsh,cause this is the first story I ever wrote and I'm weak hearted XD
Pardon me if there's any wrong spelling or grammar/tenses mistakes,I suck in English,in fact I suck with every language I know XD
I continued this from 4+ in the morning,and I've not sleep for more than 18 hours,so it might not be good.. I might edit it when I'm more awake if I have better ideas.*yawn* Well then,good night ya all.
*I've edited it after having enough sleep,xD I hope it's better now..*
I might continue this with a story.. Or maybe not,cause I've no idea where this is going yet,but I'll continue if I have ideas and time.Thank you very much for reading.

One could tell
The feeling of
Infinite passion without boundary
From the touch of lips
And the lightest of touch

One says that
The true beauty
Lies within the eyes
Of the beholder

Your beauty
My love
That others never see
Lies within my eyes
The beholder
The Lover

One could tell
The feeling of
Love without lies
From one's eyes

A love that is
Learned and understood
From the feeling
Of my heart and soul

I show my love
From these very eyes
The stares
Filled with longing

I show my love
From my very lips
The words
The kisses
Filled with feelings

I show my love
From these very hands
The featherly lightest of touches
The gentle caresses
Filled with passion

Yet I know not how
To show and give my love
With this heart within my chest
That never misses
To beat for only you

Tell me
Can you see it?
The love and longing
For you
In my eyes?

Can you feel it?
Though with lust
Yet the love and passion
From my kisses and touches?

Can you hear it?
Do you believe it?
The love and affection
Whispered from my very lips
And this beating heart?

Cause I love you
And only you
Without a doubt
With all I could give
Never with hesitation